How to Be Rougher in Bed and Still Be a Gentleman

How to Be Rougher in Bed and Still Be a Gentleman

Vanilla sex can be deeply satisfying and has a place in every bedroom from time to time. HOWEVER, you’re missing out if you have yet to try rough sex!

Table of Contents

There are a lot of misunderstandings about rough sex. Some think it’s only BDSM – floggers, latex suits, and handcuffs. A lot of guys think it’s too aggressive for most women to want, much less ask for. That can’t be more untrue. When the mood is right, many women love an aggressive lovemaking session between the sheets!

There’s a particular art to rough sex, but you can undoubtedly be rougher in bed and still be a gentleman.

What Exactly is Rough Sex? 

It’s manhandling, talking dirty, hard spanking, choking, restraining, and more! 

A night of rough sex might begin like this. You pull off each other’s clothes, then pick up and throw her over your shoulder and onto the bed. Placing one hand on her neck, you rub her clit or give her a pussy massage. She tenses up and moans deeply before demanding you pull down your pants.

This form of lovemaking is high-energy, animalistic, and passionate. Women want hard sex, but numerous guys don’t know how to deliver it in bed and are afraid of hurting their partner.

Understandably, you might fear being too aggressive, abusive, or worse. Let’s clear up some misconceptions. This is not about causing pain or discomfort to your partner; there is a distinction between abuse and rough sex. 

Abuse is non-consensual, but rough sex is consensual. Abuse creates pleasure for only one person, while rough sex is pleasurable for everyone in the relationship! Both parties agree to abide by rules, limits, and codes of conduct which is why safe words are vital to a good time!

Safewords are a must! Choose something you would not usually say or do when having sex to avoid a misunderstanding. Safewords can be verbal or non-verbal.

Easy Safewords: Green, Yellow, and Red because you can already guess what they mean. When you hear yellow, start to slow down. Reduce either the intensity, speed, or action. This might look something like you’re spanking your partner and hitting her too hard. She shouts, “yellow,” so you spank her ass a little softer next time. When you hear red, stop the action and discuss what you should do differently. She yells, “red,” as you spank her. You stop entirely, and she explains that the area is too sensitive, so you move on to doing something else.

Non-Verbal Safewords: There will be times when your partner can’t speak such as when a ball gag is in her mouth. Use a shoulder tap two times or a hand wave to stop the action.

It Brings Out the Animal

We live in a civilized society that requires us to pretend that we have nothing in common with other things in the animal kingdom. What bullshit! 

We all have an animal inside of us that is dying to be released. Grab, spank, grunt, hit, do whatever turns you on, and bring pleasure to your partner. Release all that pent-up sexual energy, and fuck her like an animal with her full consent and participation for a deeper connection on a primal level which we often ignore. Rougher sex can lead to a stronger bond, better orgasms, and more trust between you and your partner.

It Shows Dominance

You’re a gentleman, not a pussy. Aggressive lovemaking is one of the easiest ways to show your partner you’re confident and assertive. 

Dominance is sexy. This may surprise some because women have pushed hard against the idea that they are submissive for decades. Women don’t want to be submissive in school or work, but in the bedroom; it’s a different story.

Several scientific studies connected dominance in men with reproductive success. Girls have traditionally found dominant males more appealing because they are more likely to be protective, providers, and supportive. These types of guys are more likely to have a woman and reproduce.  Basically, women love dominant men.

It Requires Boundaries 

Consent is vital to a good time. At Sexual Quantum Leap, we put consent above everything. Read her body language and look for visual tips. Does she look like she’s enjoying it? Does she look assured and confident, or unconfident and a little unsure about the situation?

You don’t have to be a mind reader. When in doubt, ask. Say, “Are you okay? Does this hurt?” She might be in ecstasy, unable to speak. She could moan or nod her head. Use your safe words whenever needed. When you and your partner are in the moment, the safe word is used to sound the alarm and halt or slow intercourse when things are becoming too intense. Either way, as long as you get the green light, continue. 

Tips for Setting Boundaries

Whatever specific things you might be into, try talking about it with your partner before jumping into action. Pornography has altered our sense of what intimacy is like with a woman. Rough sex is nothing like porn. You can’t just jackhammer her to death and hope for a good experience. Check-in throughout so you can decide whether to turn up the intensity or push the stop button. Rough sex should not hurt or cause unwelcomed pain.

Women Love Rough Sex

Lots of women find aggressive sex just as pleasurable as men. My Secret Garden, a book written and published by a woman in 1973, describes the real-life sexual fantasies of women. The author noted multiple accounts of rough, aggressive, and semi-violent fantasies. If women in 1970 wanted rough sex, women in the 2020s surely want it too. A study in 2015 confirmed that female fantasies included being forced or incapacitated. In other words, she wants to see her man take charge, dominate, and show profound interest in her.

There are certain times of the month when she’s more prone to desire rough sex, such as when she’s ovulating. You might be caught off guard when a tiny woman lets the animal out. A woman is just as animalistic and wild as any man.

Female sexuality is complicated. Social pressures intimidate and make women feel they need to hide their sexual appetite. In simple terms, women are afraid of being called a slut. When she lets go of herself and allows herself to indulge in fantasies and aggressive behaviors, the results are clear — better orgasms.

Your Guide to Rougher Sex

Consent is the line between abuse and a good time. Always check in with your partner either verbally (she says “I like it” or begs for more) or non-verbally (she moans, smiles, laughs, looks turned on, etc.). 

If you want to have rough sex, try biting, bondage, challenging sex positions, being the boss (dominance/submission), deeper penetration, hair pulling, manhandling, role-playing, wrestling, and more! These are recommendations, not a checklist, to mark off as you go. It’s probably not the best idea to try everything in one night. When in doubt, start slow. Work your way up to more aggressive acts.

Start With Foreplay

Anything is foreplay and everything is foreplay. Whatever it takes to get things moving towards sex, do it! We recommend setting the scene with roleplay and adding a little dirty talk, or sexual expression as we call it at SQL.

Talk dirty. Say something like, "you're so fucking sexy. I can't wait to take off your little pink panties."

Tell her what you're going to do. Say, "I'm going to make you so fucking wet," or "I'm going to punish you, and I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want with you." Make sure she knows she is yours, and she's not going anywhere until you both climax.

Be the boss. You lovingly demand that she gets on the bed or removes her bra.

Tease her. If she gets impatient, make her wait. If she starts raging for your dick, don't succumb to temptation. You want to prolong the experience, not cum in two minutes. Make her crave and desperately need you before penetration.

Next, Get Physical!

By this point, you both should be highly aroused with tons of exposed skin. You can tear off the remainder of her clothing if she is semi-nude. Women value their clothes, so don’t destroy the garment (unless she is craving force and aggression). Forcibly remove her clothing — yank off her bra and swiftly pull down her underwear. 

Pull her hair. If she has a ponytail, wrap your hands around it and gently tug it. This works well if you're in doggy style or reverse cowgirl.

Spank her ass. Many men are afraid to slap their partners, but there's nothing wrong here if it's consensual. Use one hand to slap the middle of her ass cheek. Ask if she likes it and if she wants it a bit harder.

Bite her. Lightly press your teeth against her neck, thighs, or nipples. This is highly arousing and a surprisingly hot sensation that's not often felt. 

Take control of your partner's body. Pin her against a wall or the bed with your hands. To pin her, place both your hands against hers. Place one hand on her neck or chest, the other on her clit or nipples. While she's pinned, kiss, touch, and caress her. Talk dirty and explain all the things you want to do to her.

Boss her around. Command that she suck your cock, get on her knees, or rub her nipples. She shouldn't have to think of what to do next because you will tell her. This will allow her to relax and just enjoy the experience.

Use sex toys. Grab a Hitachi wand, and command her to get on the bed and touch herself for you to watch and enjoy. While stimulating herself, assist her efforts by touching her nipples, fingering her, or telling her how sexy she is and how hard she makes you. If you're feeling more adventurous, you can find handcuffs, floggers, and more in most online adult shops. All reputable companies are discreet, so don't be afraid to buy sex toys online. 

Use bondage devices and restraints. Submission is a turn-on for a lot of women. When she gives you full control of her body, it requires trust. You can make a restraint from an old necktie or buy fuzzy pink handcuffs. You might also want to try a blindfold. 

Wrestle. Any physical activity where you toss your partner around, pin her down, and use your strength is a no-brainer way to make her wet. 

Finish Things Off with Deep Penetration 

Don’t just jackhammer your partner. Ask for feedback to better please your partner. Alternate between fast and slow, hard and soft, deep and less deep. Try laying her on her back as you place her legs on your shoulders while looking into her eyes; go deep and hard. Change position and challenge yourself with something new.

Add kisses, caresses, and playfulness. The goal is a good time, not an ultimate WWE smackdown. Pause for oral sex and stimulation of the clit. If you have sex toys, grab them. Pay attention to her body language. Does she look like she wants more or less? Control yourself. Learning how to not cum is a skill, but one that will pay off tremendously. 

Want to Learn More?

Whether you’re looking to dive head-first into the world of BDSM, or simply spice up the bedroom with a little more than vanilla sex, don’t worry about not being seen as a gentleman. Your partner will not disapprove of your efforts to make your bedroom hotter.

The only wrong way to have rough sex is when there’s no consent. Other than that, you can’t go wrong. Be in the moment with your partner, and let the animal out.

Do what feels natural. If you aren’t sure where to start, biting, spanking, restraining, and hair-pulling are beginner-friendly and incredibly effective. Encourage her to get out of her comfort zone and engage in play. Allow your animal side to come out, and be the ultra dominant and sexy man she desires. 

Interested in learning more? Check out 10 Ways to Know If You’re Good In Bed, and read the Best She’s Ever Had, a best-selling book, for practical tips on how to level up inside and outside of the bedroom.

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