Why Can’t I Make Her Cum? — It’s Not Your Fault

Why Can’t I Make Her Cum? — It’s Not Your Fault

She can’t cum, and it’s my fault — wrong! Stop there. Firstly, her ability or inability to cum is not solely based on what you do to her in the bedroom. We know that many guys put a lot of stock in their ability to make a woman cum. You feel it’s almost a prize or conquest to make after all your efforts (going down on her, massaging her, trying different positions, etc.) in the bedroom. Fortunately, not everything is about you. You aren’t responsible for making her cum. Take the pressure off yourself to make her cum, so that she can take the pressure off herself.

Table of Contents

There are many reasons why a woman isn’t able to orgasm, and it does not always have to do with her partner. If a woman doesn’t feel safe, secure, sexually liberated, and open about her sexuality, it can hinder her ability to orgasm. You might give her mind-blowing sexual experiences in the bedroom, but still, she won’t cum because mentally, she’s somewhere else and not there with you. In fact, a study discovered that mental satisfaction was more closely linked with her ability to orgasm than sexual experience.

Secondly, an orgasm is not the goal of sex — shocker! Your girlfriend can 100% enjoy sex without cumming, so you should not feel like a failure or even take it personally if she did not reach the Big-O that evening.

Let’s go over what happens to a woman’s body when she cums, and analyze the things in her life that might prevent her from cumming.

How to Make Her Orgasm

What exactly is an orgasm? The muscles in the vagina tighten, contract, and relax. Surges of dopamine and oxytocin, the feel-good neurotransmitters, are released in the brain.

You can not make her orgasm if she doesn’t want to or is somewhere in outer space mentally. If she’s not present at the moment and fully connected with her body, then she’s probably not going to orgasm.

You can help her feel more relaxed so that she comes down from outer space to connect with her body fully. Take note of what typically makes her orgasm. Some women have difficulties cumming with a partner but absolutely no problem going solo with a toy or her fingers.

You can increase the likelihood of helping her orgasm by knowing your partner. Consider:

What if she hasn’t ever had an orgasm? Lay her down, give her a massage, and put on a calming playlist. Light some candles, dim the lights, draw the curtains, and tell her you got her tonight. Take any pressure off psychologically. If she cums, great; if not, that wasn’t the only goal.

Wait — There's More Than One Type of Orgasm?

There’s way more than one way you can make a woman orgasm, both by stimulating her internally or externally.

External
Internal

Clitoral Stimulation

The clitoris is at least ten times more sensitive than the tip of your dick, so if you want to make her cum, you have good chances with the clit.

Lick or touch the clit with your fingers, but many guys go too soft or too hard. Some women prefer extreme stimulation to achieve clitoral orgasms — lots of pressure, fast, and rough, and others will grimace and pull away because that’s too intense for them. In that case, try soft, gentle, and steady pressure.

Allow her to guide you, or better, ask her to stimulate herself while you watch, sit back, and admire how fucking gorgeous she looks. She should know how she likes to be touched, so if you observe her going ham on herself (fast and hard), follow suit and touch her the same way. Do the same if you see her lightly touching herself, but shaking from pleasure.

You can also try a vibrator, holding it against her clit while you penetrate her with fingers to stimulate her internal pleasure points.

The Opening of the Vagina

It’s otherwise known as the O-Spot. Before you put your fingers inside, stop and rub the opening in a circular motion. The beauty of the O-Spot is that you can stimulate it while still touching her clit. She might need more than one spot stimulated to orgasm, or if her clit is too sensitive, you can move down south to other areas and still give her pleasure.

Keep exploring that area with your fingers and allow her to pull you deeper where you can find her G-Spot.

The Legend — The G-Spot

Many women will usually say it’s a different sensation than a clitoral orgasm. The G-Spot is relatively easy to find. Use your finger to enter, about knuckle and half deep, into her vagina, then curve it upward. You’ll find a bumpy or rigid area that will gradually get bigger and swollen the more aroused she becomes.

She can achieve a G-spot orgasm through penetration. Use your finger or a sex toy like a more extended, curved dildo to do the trick. You want anything that curves upwards, even one of the newer vibrators with the separate little g-spot ticklers.

The A-Spot

The A-Spot is often forgotten—well, most guys don’t know it exists. It’s past the G-Spot and upwards, and you’ll find the A-Spot between the cervix and G-Spot.

Because so few people recognize this spot exists, it’s rarely stimulated. She might love the sensation or feel nothing special, but you never know until she’s tried it. Insert a finger and press upward along her vaginal wall. Recall — it’s past the G-Spot, so if you feel something bumpy, it’s the G-Spot. Move a little past that and press firmly upward in a ‘come here’ motion, pulling your finger back towards yourself.

The D-Spot

The D-Spot is another area that most do not know exists. The sensation will be similar to anal stimulation, so she might not like it, depending on the woman.

Insert your finger past the G-Spot, and instead of going upwards towards the A-Spot, go downwards. Use a ‘come here’ motion, moving your finger back towards yourself. This motion will press against her anal canal, so it might not be her thing.

The Cervix

The cervix far back, so you must insert your finger deep. You’ll feel a smooth surface resembling the tip of your nose in terms of texture. Rub in a circular motion. You can also stimulate her cervix during sex or with a sex toy.

Lastly, Anal

Yes, you can give a woman an orgasm with anal sex. You aren’t actually giving her an orgasm from penetrating her ass. There’s nothing there to give an orgasm, instead, you’re actually stimulating the vagina just from a different position or angle.

Most women either love it or hate it, but if they love it! Paired with clitoral stimulation, things can get intense. Use anal plugs or a vibrating anal plug paired with a Hitachi wand on her clit, or stimulate her clitoris with your finger.

Or, use a remote-control vibrating anal plug and have vaginal sex simultaneously, which is pleasurable for both of you; since the wall between the vaginal canal and anus is thin, you can feel the vibrations!

Stimulate More Than One Spot!

You can simultaneously incorporate multiple points on her body, using hands, fingers, toys, and of course, your dick on her clit, anus, and vagina at different times, with varying amounts of pressure and rhythm. You can give her a full-body orgasmic sensation when more than one of her specific points is touched.

Remember, as a man, it’s not your job to make her cum, but it’s your responsibility to make her feel the safest, secure, and sexually open, and then she can reach that orgasmic point.

Why She Can't Cum

1. She Needs Sex Toys

There are so many great products nowadays to help with the female orgasm. Sex shops are all over the place now, so next time you’re out on a date, stop by one and look around.

Many women can’t get off on intercourse alone. Next time you have sex, stimulate the clit with a Hitachi wand or vibrator. Alternatively, put a vibrating egg in her pussy while you eat her out or play with her clit. Try a butt plug or small vibrator and hold it against her anus while you’re sucking on her clit.

Pay attention to how she responds to each touch to see if you need to slow down, speed up, or alternate pressure.

2. Not Enough Foreplay

Some women need lots of foreplay to get in the mood. Pay attention to what she responds. Spend time kissing, caressing, rubbing her body, massaging, and making her feel good. She’ll be hot and ready after a little bit of physical connection. Try to take it slow until you know what she prefers.

3. She's Still Learning About Her Own Body

Many women I’ve spoken with say they didn’t start to have orgasms until they were in their 20s — a far cry from most guys’ first orgasm in middle school. If she has difficulty reaching orgasm, it might be because she hasn’t gotten to know her body that well.

What turns her on? Surprisingly, not all women know! There are plenty of reasons why she might not understand her own sexuality. She might’ve grown up in a religious home, been abused, or been told not to touch herself and appreciate her body.

Also, depending on where a woman is in her cycle, she might not be interested in sex or need it rougher or softer. If ovulating, she might crave harder and rough sex to experience pleasure, as opposed to right before her period when she might not be in the mood or want cuddles and gentle sex.

4. She Feels Rushed to Cum

Achieving orgasm takes time. Women can not cum when they feel pressured or rushed to cum. Ensure there aren’t any significant interruptions like kids knocking on the door or an important phone call. Also, if she has 99 problems on her mind, she will most likely be preoccupied with that and mentally far away from the bedroom.

Make it a priority to spend time together, even just a night without the kids, without the bothers of work, and remind her it’s just her and you. Just the two of you, no interruptions. Make time, for you and her, for the relationship.

5. She's Self-Conscious

Some women get slut-shamed from a very young age. She might worry about what you will think of her if she took command of the bedroom and her own body.

Or, she might not think she’s pretty. Women question their beauty on a near daily basis. She might be bloated because her period is coming or gained a few covid lockdown pounds. If she doesn’t feel sexy, she will worry about your opinion of her. Therefore, you have to make it a priority to keep the positive reinforcement coming and keep it consistent.

Tell her how attracted you are to her. Make her feel not only safe but beautiful and worthy of love and respect. Pay her a genuine compliment; she most likely did her hair or nails or wore something sexy.

6. She Has Past Trauma

Understand her past and any specific barriers. Was she a virgin until recently? Has she experienced any trauma? Trauma does not have to be only sexual abuse! Trauma can come from a controlling partner, infidelity in a past relationship, or a generally negative opinion of men can all prevent her from orgasming.

If it’s sexual trauma, sometimes it takes a long time until she will start enjoying sex again, significantly if she was harmed in any way physically. Listen to your partner and her story. Be open to holding off on some things until she had time to process.

Subconsciously she could lock up after a violent or scary relationship or sexual experience. Patience is the magic word here. You’ll have to build the trust again as she might consciously or subconsciously think negatively about men after the trauma. If she is shutting down in the bedroom, remind her that you’ve got her and will be there for anything.

7. She's Not in the Mood

Orgasms can really be more of a mental than a physical thing. If she’s stressed and therefore not aroused, it will be harder to bring her to climax. Talk to her and see what you can do to help. Intimacy can’t be rushed.

If she isn’t in the mood, create the mood, but do not be disappointed if it does not work out. Some days, a woman just does not feel like sex.

If a mental block prevents her from orgasm, spend the day connecting and trying to make her feel secure and safe. She might just want you to listen to her ramble about her busy day and to hold her hand and look into her eyes- it’s simple but really makes an impact.

8. She Has Vaginismus

Vaginismus is the involuntary tension of the vagina, which can make intercourse painful. It can be caused by emotional and physical factors, like past trauma, physical abuse, a strict upbringing where sex is rarely discussed and explained, or fear and reservations. Overactive nerves in the vagina, difficult childbirth or side effects of medication can all cause Vaginismus.

If a woman tenses up because of this, she might feel pain, discomfort, and numbness during sex. The sexual experience obviously won’t be enjoyable for either partner, and it’s something that will need to be addressed. It’s prevalent but not talked about enough in many relationships.

9. Her Specific Turn-Ons Aren't There

Each woman on this earth cums totally different. You cant compare an ex-girlfriend to your current partner and expect her to orgasm the same way. Maybe she needs to be lying on her stomach, she must be lying completely flat, or perhaps she can only cum with the help of toys or visual aids such as watching porn or looking at something arousing on television. Explore every option.

Ask for constant feedback and listen. Tell her you want to know how to please her body, so the more she tells you things like harder/faster/slower/less/more.

So, She Still Can't Reach Orgasm...

Communication, being open and ready, and paying attention to her needs and wants are vital in any relationship. All women can orgasm and achieve multiple orgasms. It’s just a matter of finding what works (Does she like clitoral stimulation or penetration better? Does she need a toy?), unlearning negative behaviors (Does she overly self-critic or been taught she should not experience sexual pleasure?), and letting go of past experiences (Does she hold on to negative experiences with former partners? Does she have trauma or trust issues?).

BUT, leave your ego at the door. Take any and all pressure off of her to orgasm. The moment you stop trying, and surrender might be the moment it happens. Relax, have fun and try to enjoy each other. And if it doesn’t happen? No problem, no worries, remind her that you’ve got her back no matter what.

Resources

If you are seriously considering learning how to give your partner the best sexual experience of her life, but aren’t sure where to get started, access our free online resources, hear from other guys on our online forum, and read the Best She’s Ever Had, a best-selling book on Amazon, or invest further into your sex life by joining one of our exclusive 5-Day retreats and online academies.

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