Has your wife gone from a sex-crazed wildcat to a docile kitten throughout your marriage? When there’s a shift in sex drive, and you find yourselves no longer on the same page, it’s frustrating! You probably feel discontent because your needs are unmet; she likely feels several equally negative emotions.
Table of Contents
Below are twenty-three potential reasons why your wife has lost her sex drive and what you can do to get it back. Remember, the person who knows your wife best is your wife. We will guide you in the right direction, but a definitive answer will come from your partner.
Social Causes
People and responsibilities to people can affect sex drive and libido in both men and women, especially when those relationships come riddled with pressure, demands, and overwhelming obligations or challenges.
Her
You might be quick to conclude that external forces are causing her decreased libido and nonexistent sex drive, but sometimes that’s far from the truth.
A Low Desire for Sex
Some people naturally have a lower interest in sex than others, and there may not be any underlining cause, nor are you to blame in this instance.
Asexual individuals experience a limited amount of sexual attraction to other people. They may still desire other forms of intimacy, such as emotional connection and physical closeness, and may want romantic relationships. Asexual individuals may still engage in sex.
Confusion may arise in people wishing to understand their partner using hard and solid guidelines, but sexuality is a spectrum. Your wife might fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum and, thus, only okay with some forms of intimacy and sex.
What can I do? There is no underlining cause for some people with a low sex drive, so the only thing you can do is better understand your partner and her boundaries in the bedroom. An open relationship might be a solution in some instances but will require effective communication to ensure everyone stays on the same page. It’s important to realize that an open relationship can be beneficial to some couples but detrimental to others, especially when one partner is unsatisfied with the arrangement, is pushed too far from their comfort zone, or gets hurt.
Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)
Hypoactive Sexual desire disorder may develop slowly over time or be a life-long struggle. The vast majority of women with HSDD do not have sexual fantasies, are unresponsive to sexual stimulation, and are not interested in sex.
Unlike asexuality, HSDD is an issue because women with the condition want to change. They crave more sexual desires, sexual satisfaction, and physical closeness with their partner.
What can I do? There are numerous causes of HSDD, so helping your partner pinpoint the exact one might be beneficial in finding a solution. Common causes are anxiety, stress, sexual abuse, sexual trauma, poor body image, and even pregnancy or menopause. We've discussed a few of these further down in the article.
Women with HSDD have found Kegel exercises, masturbation, sex toys, sex therapists, pornography, erotic media, and discussing their concerns with their partners helpful in overcoming HSDD.
There are also prescription drugs on the market to increase sexual desire and improve sexual function in women with HSDD, such as Flibanserin or Bremelanotide. These medications are recommended for premenopausal women. Before considering prescription drugs, give your best attempt at other remedies.
Personal Goals
She does not want to focus on sex right now. There are times in many people’s lives when they want to stop focusing on their relationships with other people and instead look inward.
She could be on personal growth and development journey, and so hyper-focused on achieving a particular goal such as self-love or self-actualization that sex just isn’t on her mind right now.
It’s not unheard of for some individuals to take temporary vows of abstinence to pursue personal goals and do inner work. Ideally, as your partner, she would share her objectives with you and maybe try to drag you onto the personal growth train too. However, that’s not always the case. Some people look so inward that everything on the outside is pushed aside. It’s selfish to disregard a partner, but it does happen.
What can I do? Perhaps leap on the personal growth train and take time for yourself. Spend time on uncompleted projects, learn a new skill, and become hyper-interested in other aspects of your life. Of course, this is temporary, and you should come back together at some point on the road, but in the meantime, don't take her lack of interest in sex to heart.
You and Her
The root cause of your wife’s diminished interest in sex might have very little to do with the outside world and everything to do with what’s happening behind your bedroom doors.
Your Sex Life
That’s not to say you need to be a sex god for great sex; it’s to point out that many of us vastly overestimate our capabilities in the bedroom. After all, a desire for sex comes naturally to most of us, so shouldn’t great sex also come naturally? Sadly, no.
Your wife may feel her needs are not being met in the bedroom; thus, she withdraws from you and is unwilling to initiate sex. You might be a selfish lover who focuses more on your sexual gratification than mutual gratification or a well-meaning but unskilled husband.
What can I do? Women are more likely to initiate when it leads to satisfying sex and a deeper connection with their partner. Learn what she needs in the bedroom. Is it rough sex? Slow intimate lovemaking? Or something new to spice things up like enacting sexual fantasies (roleplaying, BDSM, sex parties), sex toys, a third party, or new and exciting sex positions. Secondly, improve your sexual techniques by mastering these skills: a pussy massage, cunnilingus, and sex toys. If you're seriously interested in leaving your wife better and wetter, might we suggest our online academy or exclusive 5-day retreat?
Your Connection
Naturally, we change as people, and you may find that she’s no longer the person you fell in love with or vice-versa; you aren’t the man of her dreams anymore. When that happens, the connection can fade away.
More likely, you haven’t changed, but how you prioritize the relationship has. Initially, she drove you mad, and you did not hesitate to let her know. You spent hours talking to each other, discovering every fact from her childhood nickname, secret talents, and desires for the future. She, too, felt an intense urge for physical closeness, to know you, spend time with you, and satisfy every sexual desire of yours that she could. Ask yourself honestly, are you still in a romantic relationship with your partner, or are you now roommates?
What Can I Do? Try reinvigorating your connection by going back to square one: romance her, set up a regular date night, buy her flowers, and ask her questions about her desires and dreams. Professional sexual and relationship therapy might also be an option and could make a big difference in the relationship.
The Connection Never Existed
A lack of emotional connection will sometimes get the relationship far, even to the altar to say I Do. Although infrequent, it does happen.
As much as we’d like to believe we base sexual intimacy only on compatibility, and emotional and mental connection, the results are in, and they say that’s not the whole truth.
Evolutionary psychologists have questioned the link between human mate selection and qualities such as physical attraction, economic status, and stability for decades. Although results vary, research suggests that men select a mate based on physical attraction, and women prefer to select a partner with economic status in mind.
That’s not to say compatibility, emotional connection, and how the person feels when they’re with their partner does not factor into the relationship.
However, there is reason to believe that some people select their partner with a high value placed on aspects other than connection.
This is a significant problem because women generally feel sexual desire toward people they are emotionally connected with, and there’s evidence to support it. Likewise, men feel an increased desire for sex with someone they are emotionally connected with.
What Can I Do? Build an emotional connection with your wife. You can work towards a solid emotional connection by improving communication in the relationship, exploring who she is as a person, allowing her to see and get to know you, and connecting with her through touches and kisses without the expectation of sex will, over time, strengthen the mental and emotional bond.
The Bedroom Pressure Cooker
Pressure to perform happens in both subtle and unsubtle ways. An example of a subtle action that may make your wife feel like she needs to accomplish something in the bedroom is when you ask the simple question, “Did you cum yet?” This question often comes riddled with subtext.
Unsubtle tactics include repeatedly asking for sex when she turns you down, asking for things that place her too far out of her comfort zone, or guilt-tripping her whenever she does not want to have sex.
These actions often don’t help the situation and push you further from your goal of more sex.
What can I do? Give her more time to initiate sex. When she's asking for it, there's little pressure to have sex. Give her affection and intimacy, and know her specific turn-ons. If she does not want to initiate sex, establish an open line of open communication so that the two of you can discuss your needs without anyone being guilt-tripped or shamed for their desires. Consult a professional sex therapist if needed.
Unresolved Relationship Issues
Healthy relationships are intrinsic to sex drive in women, so unresolved relationship problems will gradually take a toll.
She Knows the Problem, But You Don't
Many women are peacekeepers who want to protect the harmony of the household, even if that means sacrificing their sanity. Perhaps something you did has been weighing on her mind, but she doesn’t want to bring it to your attention because it will start drama or an argument.
Perhaps, something small has built up over time. For example, many working women are discontent with the number of shared responsibilities inside the house. If you never cooked dinner, washed clothes, or cleaned, she might be highly displeased with the relationship and stressed.
Another likely scenario is she knows why she’s having sexual problems in the bedroom but feels discouraged from opening up and talking about it. There are many reasons why women do not always want to talk about their sexual health. It could steam from a strict upbringing where talking about sex was discouraged or shamed or personal beliefs causing her to believe it’s her burden and responsibility to find a solution without your assistance.
What can I do? Show her more affection and ask what’s on her mind. If you have been slacking on household duties, do more to help out around the house. Date each other again. Go out on spontaneous and passionate excursions, and communicate that you want to improve the relationship and need feedback from her. It removes the burden on her to come to you and start the conversation if you ask first.
You Know the Problem, But She Doesn't
She might be unaware that her sexual behavior is negatively affecting you.
It’s blatant that your sex life has taken a severe nosedive into the depths of nowhere, but it might not be evident to her. For example, she might be so preoccupied with major life changes that she hasn’t stopped to realize that the last time she had sex was months ago. Maybe you’ve expressed slight discontentment with your sex life, but you poorly communicated the message, or it fell on deaf ears because she wasn’t ready to listen.
What can I do? Speak with your partner about how the lack of sex has affected you and why you want to rekindle the fire. Ensure you work on your delivery before having the conversation. A witch trial won't help the situation. You can have the conversation over a romantic dinner or date night where there's already an air of intimacy and closeness. You can take her shopping and magically end up at the lingerie store before explaining that you want to buy her something sexy. If all else fails, seek out the services of a certified sex therapist to help you mediate the discussion.
You Both Know the Problem
When you both already know the problem, you can more easily work to find solutions. Assuming she wants to find a solution.
When she knows that her desire for sex, or lack of one, is causing dysfunction in the relationship and wants to change that, she can help you understand the causes. Whether the reason is related to stressful working environments, dissatisfaction in the bedroom, life changes, or physical pains and ailments, the open conversation will help you both find a solution.
What can I do? Have more honest conversations about your relationship dynamic and what each partner wants to get from the relationship so that everyone is on the same page. Keep checking in and trying.
Insecurity and Changing Body Image
Women place importance on their looks, and how they look is tied to their self-esteem and self-confidence both in and out of the bedroom.
She might be more aware of the effects of aging and notice every bump and wrinkle that did not exist until recently or worried about how you think she looks after gaining a significant amount of weight, losing a lot of weight, having a post-pregnancy body, or any other causes of noticeable physical changes.
She might think you are no longer attracted to her and thus not want to initiate sex. On the other hand, she believes that you still are attracted to her but is so self-conscious that she does not wish to engage in sexual activity.
What can I do? Tell her you still love and care about her. Give her compliments often and shower her with affection if you notice that she's a little more self-conscious than she used to be. Assure her that you still find her sexually desirable.
Lost Interest
Over time, naturally, one or both partners can lose interest in the relationship. If she was once incredibly horny but now is showing signs of lost interest, it could be a sign the relationship is in danger. Common signs of lost interest include:
- Infidelity
- Withdrawal from touch
- Constant arguing over the same issues
- No longer arguing over important matters, which could be a sign she's mentally clocked out of the relationship
- Asking to sleep in different rooms
These signs certainly do not mean all hope for the relationship is lost, and they are not definitive proof that she’s no longer interested in you. However, these signs do warrant further investigation.
What can I do? Avoid jumping to conclusions. These signs do not definitively mean the relationship is over or she is no longer attracted or interested in you. The spark that once connected you might only be temporarily gone due to stress or unresolved issues in the relationship. However, if the spark is forever gone, and there's little hope of rekindling it, it's better that you two openly discuss your options sooner rather than later.
You, Her, and Everyone Else
Sometimes, it’s not you or her that’s the problem; it’s everyone else!
Children
Children are indeed a gift, but let’s not pretend they aren’t also a hindrance to good ole lovemaking.
Young children, especially, occupy a lot of time and attention. A crying baby in the middle of the night resulting in insomnia and exhaustion will affect your sex life. A toddler running into the bedroom thinking they saw a monster under the bed is a mood killer. And a school-age child plus the sound of breaking glass, slamming doors, or loud music is enough to make you jump out of bed and shout, “What the hell are you doing? Go to sleep!” Only to hear the same noises twenty minutes later and ultimately get up to investigate what nonsense your ten-year-old boy is up to now. It’s no wonder that your sex life has gone down the drain.
What can I do? Make time to prioritize your relationship. It's easier said than done, but over time the lack of you and her time will take a massive toll on your love life. If it's a newborn baby you're dealing with, you'll have to ride it out, as it's likely mom will not want to spend too much time away from her newborn. If your children are older, you have options. Send the kids away to summer camp. Even a five-day camp where the kids are out of your and her hair for several nights in a row might resolve that low sex drive.
You've gone this far, so go one step further and financially invest in her and your time without the kids. Go on a small shopping trip without her knowledge. Gather candles, bubble bath, or bath bombs from Lush, and sweet-smelling lotions or massage oils. Consult the saleswoman if you aren't sure what scents appeal to women. Get home before she does so you have time to decorate the house with candles. When she gets in, surprise her with her favorite food, hot and ready (takeout is okay here if you're at risk of burning the house down by using the stove for the first time). Run her a warm bubble bath and give her a massage afterward.
Consider leaving the kids at home (with adult supervision, of course. Call Uncle Steve or Aunt Sarah) and disappearing somewhere together. There are options for all budgets. If you're an avid naturist, go on a camping trip. It's nearly free and will ensure it's just you and her. Book a decent hotel in a town just one hour away – easy on the gas and close enough that you can come running back for emergencies. Or book something special for you both. Go on an erotic holiday to Hawaii or Cancun that she has dreamed about since your honeymoon.
The goal is to spend more time together and less with everyone else, so whatever you must do to make that happen, make it happen for the health of your sex life.
Her Family
A dysfunctional family can cause a decreased interest in sex. General nuisances with your in-laws may be the root cause of her decreased interest in sex.
If it’s a death in the family, she may need more time to heal before engaging in sexual activity again.
What can I do? Be understanding that you and your needs are not the only things that matter in her life. Sometimes she may need to take time away from you and the relationship and focus that time and energy on someone else in the family that may need it. Allow her enough space to sort out whatever may be happening with your in-laws.
Work
Work is stressful, but the stress increases when you factor in future promotions, project deadlines, business trips, and deals. She might feel the need to spend more time focusing on her work instead of her relationship with you. When that happens, her sex drive might plummet.
What can I do? Remind her that work is not the only thing that matters in life, but do so in a kind and loving manner. If possible, try to take her mind off work by taking her away on a weekend trip or encouraging you both to turn off your cellphones for a set number of hours each day so that there are no outside distractions.
Physical Causes
Physical ailments and health issues can result in pain, making sex uncomfortable. Some prescription drugs taken to control the symptoms of a disease may also result in sexual problems.
Temporary Health Condition
If your wife is currently taking medication, it could cause low libido.
Several medications can result in low sex drive in women. Anti-histamines like Chlor-Trimeton and Benadryl, anti-depressants such as Prozac and Zoloft, and even birth control pills can reduce libido.
What can I do? If your wife is equally concerned about her lower-than-normal sex drive and can not pinpoint the cause, inform her that you think her medication is to blame. Ask her if she would consider speaking to her doctor to discuss alternatives to her current medications. Certain medications are usually not taken for long periods, and the medication's side effects should go away once she stops taking it.
Chronic Illness
A chronic illness may not have a cure and requires ongoing medical attention. Be it in the form of treatments, therapies, or medications. Cancer, asthma, COPD, and HIV are all examples of chronic illnesses, to name a few.
What can I do? Continue to support your partner as she battles the effects of her chronic illness. Seek alternative ways to be intimate if physical pain, discomfort, or exhaustion prevent her from engaging in sexual intercourse. There are numerous online support groups for spouses of people with chronic illnesses. You may find that other men are experiencing similar obstacles and can offer helpful information about the disease you and her are dealing with.
Other Medical Causes
Hypothyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), low iron, and even vitamin D deficiency can contribute to low libido.
What can I do? All the conditions listed above are worthy of seeking a professional diagnosis. PCOS, for instance, can cause numerous other side effects, such as infertility, rapid weight gain, and higher risks for diabetes and high blood pressure. Getting a diagnosis and learning to manage the condition is vital to eliminating low sex drive.
Psychological Causes
Any mental roadblocks, temporary or persistent, can decrease libido. Often, it may feel you caused this reduced interest in sex. However, in most cases, this simply is not true. Your partner requires emotional and mental support and may also benefit from professional advice if circumstances require it.
Mental Health
Mental health greatly impacts sex drive in both men and women. A pre-pandemic study of men and women determined that this generation has less sex than previous generations. Increased stress, anxiety, and depression rates have long been thought of as potential causes of sexual dysfunction and low libido in women and men alike. Researches note that sexual desire and anxiety are negatively correlated, which means that when one increases, the other decreases.
Increased anxiety can present as erectile dysfunction in men. Anxiety in women often presents as decreased sexual interest and inability to orgasm; some may even experience physical pain during sex.
Depression is also linked to decreased interest in sex. Women with depression often reduce social interaction, thus reducing their likelihood of creating connections and intimacy with others. They may have reduced desire for sex due to low self-esteem, poor body image, and insecurity. Women with depression may also have pain during intercourse.
This article discussing the link between sex and PTSD and sex and OCD might be helpful to you if your wife is experiencing either of these conditions, as these are topics we have not covered in detail here.
Women with a history of sexual violence may temporarily experience decreased libido, as any form of violence can severely impact mental health. Resources for partners helping their spouses overcome sexual abuse or sexual trauma can be found here, here, and here, as this is a sensitive topic that requires in-depth discussion. You may also find online support groups for men wishing to understand their female partner’s trauma.
What can I do? Continue to provide mental and emotional support to your partner. Encourage her to seek professional advice and support. Listen to her needs and obtain feedback on what could be done differently. Lastly, she might find sensate focus helpful.
Sensate focus involves touching (being touched and touching others) in a non-sexual way and may be helpful for women experiencing sexual dysfunction or low sex drive due to anxiety. This article provides detailed instructions on senate focus, but to summarize:
- Step 1: Avoid touching the genitals
- Step 2: Slowly touch the breast and genitals
- Step 3: Add lotion or oils
- Step 4: Start mutual touching and body exploration
- Step 5: Begin slow and sensual intercourse
Hormonal Causes
Estrogen and progesterone are the driving forces in women’s sexual health. When these hormones are imbalanced or fluctuating, low libido may result.
Birth control
Hormonal birth control directly affects hormone levels in the body, convincing the reproductive organs that the user is already pregnant. It’s a very effective form of pregnancy prevention but has a few undesired consequences.
Many women report a change in mood, appetite, and sex drive when starting a new birth control pill.
Changes in libido are a little controversial because there are very definitive studies on the impact of birth control on sexual desire, and there are differences in opinion among birth control users, with some women reporting no change, others reporting low sex drive, and others reporting an increase in sexual desire!
What Can I Do? Hormonal birth control is not the only effective pregnancy prevention method on the market these days. Consult your wife and ask if she believes her hormonal birth control is the cause of her low sexual desire. If yes, encourage your partner to discuss alternatives such as non-hormonal IUDs with her doctor and see if the change affects her sex drive.
Pregnancy
Pregnancy causes a surge of hormonal changes in the body. Your wife might experience periods of high libido and extremely low libido throughout the forty weeks of pregnancy.
Pregnancy is divided into three trimesters. During each trimester, the fetus will continue to grow and affect the mother’s body in several notable ways. Although every woman is different, pregnant women report specific changes that can lead to low sex drive. These changes include nausea, upset stomach, back pain, sore or tender breasts, poor body image, low self-esteem, swelling, and miscellaneous body aches that can all reduce a woman’s interest in sex.
During the first trimester, many women report stomach and digestive issues as the embryo implants on the uterine wall and release human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). hCG is the hormone detected in over-the-counter pregnancy tests, which will eventually cause a surge of estrogen and progesterone.
It is common for women to discover they are pregnant mid-way or late into the first trimester, around weeks 4-7 out of 12. Therefore, your wife could be experiencing libido changes and not know that pregnancy is the cause.
Your wife may experience low sex drive during the first trimester due to changing hormones, stress from starting the pregnancy, or digestive issues. On the other hand, it is not unusual for some women to experience increased interest in sex because of the excess of hormones, particularly estrogen.
The second trimester starts around the thirteenth week, and many women report increased sex drive and sexual desire. Your wife might be hornier than her pre-pregnancy state during her second trimester as morning sickness ends and estrogen levels remain high.
The third trimester starts around the twenty-eight week and will end in childbirth. By this time, she is noticeably pregnant and may start experiencing increased body aches, discomfort, insomnia, and swelling.
Additionally, in the third trimester, many women begin the nesting phase of pregnancy, in which they become hyper-focused on cleaning and organizing. She will likely have very little sexual desire during this stage.
It’s also worth mentioning that women with a total hysterectomy (removal of the uterus and cervix) who can not experience pregnancy can also have a low drive.
What Can I Do? Unfortunately, there is little you can do to change her sex drive, and quite frankly, you've done enough — you got her pregnant. Continue to provide support and care throughout her pregnancy. Be understanding of periods of low sexual desire, willing to try different positions to ensure her comfort, and engage in sexual acts besides vaginal penetration if that's what she desires.
Postpartum
What can I do? There's not much you can do to increase sex drive during this tender period. Continue to support both mother and newborn and assist in responsibilities to decrease stress and allow ample recovery time. If your wife shows poor healing after vaginal birth, encourage her to seek advice from a doctor. Likewise, encourage her to seek professional advice if signs of postpartum depression are present, as some studies suggest the rate of undiagnosed postpartum depression may be as high as 50%!
Menopause
Menopause strikes most women by their late 50s, with an average age of 45-55 in most countries.
This natural process results in low sexual desire in many women due to falling hormone levels. This negatively impacts women’s sexual health by increasing vaginal dryness, mood swings, irritability, hot flashes, and night sweats.
What can I do? Ride the hormonal rollercoaster alongside her and offer support and understanding. Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) might be an option if she, too, is increased in overcoming her low sex drive. Lubricants will decrease vaginal dryness and physical pain and make sex more pleasurable.
Lifestyle changes such as attending relationship therapy, exercising to improve mood, and focusing on the mental connection over the physical one can put you on the road to keeping passion alive.
Resources
If you’re looking for deeper insights into pleasing a woman and becoming the best partner she’s ever had, consider enrolling in the Best She’s Ever Had course, where you’ll learn practical advice for improving your sex life from how to actually eat a woman out and how to become a leader inside and outside of the bedroom. Access our free online resources and Facebook group, hear from other guys on our online forum, and read the Best She’s Ever Had, a best-selling book on Amazon, or invest further into your sex life by joining one of our exclusive 5-Day retreats and online academy.
