Sex. Connection. Let's Talk About It
In every relationship, the most essential thing, hands down, is connection. Whether it’s a relationship with someone new, or someone you’ve been married to for a decade, being able to connect to your person is vital for a happy and easygoing partnership. How you choose to connect is really up to you. We can connect with others in many ways- mentally, emotionally, and physically. Specifically, in this article, we’re going to discuss the most important ways to connect sexually.
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Without sexual connection, many relationships fail. Usually, in the very beginning, sexual compatibility will feel strong. In this day and age, let’s be honest, most men and women sleep together on the first night and then start dating. After a while, if a deep connection hasn’t been established, feelings can fade. That is the biggest reason why most relationships end. Sexual compatibility is a fire you start, but you must continually add wood to keep it burning.
Let’s face it. No one wants a sexless relationship. Learning about your partner, understanding their likes and dislikes, getting rid of any underlying issues, and having open communication are some of the ways to connect with your lady and become more sexually compatible.
Here are some important tips on how to create a better sexual connection.
Discover Your Sexual Blueprint
Sensual, Energetic, Sexual, Kinky, Shapeshifter. What do these five things have in common? Well, believe it or not, they are the five ways we express ourselves sexually. Think “erotic language.” It’s an arousal map- it explains how and what turns you on.
The answer is that we do. Think of all the different types of Porn out there. Busty, Shaved, barely legal, milf, even the forbidden incestuous “I boned my stepson” storyline. We all enjoy watching different scenarios, and our sexual desires are special and unique.
A simple online quiz can help you better understand your sexual preferences and increase sexual Intimacy with your partner. Let’s review the five blueprints and discover what makes each blueprint hot and ready to jump in the sack.
Sensual
A sensual lover is someone who uses all five of their senses during Intimacy. Touch, smell, taste, feel, and sight all come into play. Sensual women enjoy the right setting; candles, incense, and silk sheets, complete with a great smelling lotion or cologne and lots of champagne and strawberries for after a session. Try ice cubes, melted wax, or a blindfold to take the sense play to that next level.
Energetic
The second type is energetic, the energy of sex. They can feel turned on simply by anticipation; the thought of sex can drive them crazy. They can be on the hypersensitive side, able to have multiple orgasms or orgasms with minimal touch. The very idea of sex can make them wet. If you are having sex with an energetic lover, go slow. They can get overwhelmed easily; lots of foreplay can be beneficial. Chances are she's already fantasized the entire night in her head.
Sexual
This one sounds simple; how can someone be "sexual" with sex? Or rather, how can someone not? Simple. She likes to have lots of sex and wants it now. There is no such thing as enough sex. Penetrative, genital stimulation is the name of the game. Foreplay is not as necessary. All you have to do to a sexual type of woman is fuck her often, and fuck her good.
Kinky
Think taboo. A kinky type is into pushing boundaries. Think fantasy. Be creative. Ask them if they have any secret desires or fetishes they'd like to act out. Kinks are anything from BDSM and handcuffs to role-playing, and it's all about stepping outside your comfort zone.
Shapeshifter
A Shapeshifter is all of the above. It's a woman who is willing to find out what your blueprint is and match it. There is a broad capacity for pleasure, and they will be down to try out everything. The best part is that they will shapeshift into any blueprint they need to.
The Five Love Languages: Which One Are You?
The Five Love Languages is a book written in 1992 by Gary Chapman, and it outlines five specific ways in which we show and receive love. He found that how we want to experience love is the same way we express it. Frequently, we are unaware of how our partner wants to be loved, so we show love as we want it.
For example, if your love language is physical touch, you might hug your partner to show you care. Say their love language is a gift. A hug is not a diamond bracelet. The hug won’t feel like love since it’s not their primary language, and they are left feeling empty even though that wasn’t your intent. And if buying gifts for your partner isn’t your thing, they might never feel loved, and the relationship could end.
Being on the same page as your partner and understanding their love language is crucial for any long-term relationship to last. Let’s dive into the five love languages and how to incorporate them into your intimate relations.
Words of Affirmation
In any sexual relationship, letting her know how you feel can be so helpful. Saying I love you, giving a compliment, and telling her you think she's amazing will provide her with everything she needs to feel sexually desired.
Quality Time
This one is pretty straightforward. Spend time with her. Ensure you give her your full attention. Sexual desire comes from her needs being met, so if you've spent the day with a quality timer, your sexual activity will most likely improve. Physical closeness is vital. Sit next to her, make eye contact, and put your damn phone away!
Physical Touch
There's a wide-known joke about all men having physical touch as their love language. Men enjoy sex A LOT, and a man's sex life is an essential element of his relationship. Physical touch can be holding hands, hugs, kisses, or a hand on the thigh during dinner. It can be a sensual massage, back scratches, or more intimate like oral sex. And, of course, fucking each others' brains out.
Acts of Service
Do you want to show your partner you care? Then do the damn dishes already. Jokes aside, the service gal wants a man who puts in his fair share of work around the house and doesn't complain about it. It's all about having a middle ground. Volunteer to mow the lawn or vacuum; she'll be putty in your hands.
Gifts
This one is pretty straightforward. Surprises presents, or a planned vacation (complete with a shopping spree)- are all ways to show love to this type of partner. Even the simple act of grabbing her favorite snack from the grocery store can actually increase your sex life. I know, it seems rather materialistic. But receiving gifts is just how some people feel loved.
Sit Down and Talk About Ways to Improve Your Sex Life
For some couples, taking the time to sit down and talk about how things are going can be a big help. What is missing? It’s not just about sexual compatibility; emotional understanding and connecting in other ways are essential to all long-term relationships. Make sure you’re on the same page.
Look at the calendar and set a date. Choose a Friday evening where you can have some uninterrupted time just the two of you. Turn the TV off, and write down anything that week that was a problem. Talk about your sex life. Who initiated sex that week? Reflect on the week, and then start a new list of fun ideas. What does your woman want to feel more sexual compatibility? What can you do together to improve your sex life? Write everything down. The goal is to connect.
Give Each Other One Night of What They Want
After talking about wants and needs, has anything been done about it yet? Why not take one night out of the month and give your partner anything and everything their little heart desires. Make your relationship a priority, not just your work, chores, or another responsibility.
Take some paper, write down all your desires and fantasies, and have her do the same. Have her write everything she feels she might need to connect and spend the entire evening at her beck and call, answering any question or request they might have.
Sometimes, things seem more effortless with a one-night stand than with your partner, but the sooner you make it a priority to try anything, no holds barred, your relationship will get deeper and more exploitative over time.
Little Moments of Intimacy
Remember, it’s not all about sex. How you connect with your partner can be a lot of small things throughout the day that adds up. Leave little notes around the house, compliment her, hold her in your arms for longer, or next time you kiss, extend it into a more prolonged, more passionate kiss instead of just a peck. Hand holding, eye contact, and an uninterrupted conversation go a long way.
Sexual Desire: Timing is Everything
Find Time Away from the Kids
Nothing in the world kills a couple’s sex life more than having children. Now, I know that sounds awful, but bear with me. Having kids together is the most amazing thing. But it kills sexual Intimacy, especially in the first few months. When a woman gives birth, it changes her physically and mentally. She most likely won’t feel sexy or beautiful or desirable at all. Any Sex therapist will tell you to make sex a priority after kids!
Vocalize Your Wants and Needs
What is it that would make you happy when you walk through the door after work? What kinds of things could your partner do for you that would make you feel loved and appreciated? Be specific. Ask her how she likes to be held and what time of the day she enjoys being intimate. Have her be specific as well, and make it a daily point to show her how you care and want to connect.
Don't Talk About Work
When you and your partner work full time, it can be all-consuming and take up a good chunk of your life. Try to set a timer and talk about anything other than your work/company/recent projects. The goal is to connect sexually. If the two of you are discussing work as a form of foreplay, trust me. It’s not the way to get in the mood. Forget about your jobs and talk about anything else.
Have a night where work talk is off-limits. If one of you brings up a new project, gently remind them that tonight is about connecting other ways. The topics should stick to exploring each other’s likes and dislikes, what you want, what’s been amazing, what needs work, and so on.
Sexual Relationship or Just Roommates?
Living together is a challenge. Spending every day with the same person can become mundane, and there is less time away from each other. If you’re living together all the time, it can kill that sexual tension that is so needed in relationships. The mystery fades, and things can become a little dull.
So how do you prevent feeling like a roommate? Take an entire day away from your partner, and build back up that want and need to see them. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Building that tension can make seeing each other again more exciting, and you might find that you even have more to say.
Some couples will get dressed and undressed in private. It sounds goofy, but it leaves more to the imagination. Using the restroom and leaving the doors open is the fastest way to get overly comfortable. Keeping a little bit of mystery can boost your sex drive.
Spice Things Up
After you’ve discussed any sexual needs, you might want to dive deeper into your forbidden desires. That’s right; we’re talking kinks and fetishes. Have you ever discussed role-play? Has she ever asked to be spanked? Trying something new in the bedroom is a sure way to spice it up immediately.
One easy way to help things along is to change up your sexual positions. Do you usually stick to missionary? Are you only taking back shots? Try something fun like reverse-cowgirl or against the wall. Do you always start with oral sex? Try incorporating it at the end, and have her cum on your face instead. Have you done anal or any type of ass-play? There are countless ways to improve sexual desire.
If you don’t have any ideas off the top, you can always start with fun outfits. It’s the most vanilla way to add a little kink. Have her wear something that makes her feel sexy, a nurse uniform or cheerleading outfit, and see how turned on the both of you get.
Consider Opening Things Up
Are two partners better than one? Sometimes, one or both partners will have unmet needs, and nothing seems to work. You’ll know when you’re here because you most likely have tried multiple ways to connect. It may sound contradictory, but many women and men in a committed relationship decide to make it an open relationship and be intimate with other people. It isn’t for everyone, but for some, an open relationship is an answer to higher sexual compatibility.
Open relationships and cheating are two different things, so having both partners on board is vital. There need to be rules in place and a deep understanding. Once you have that type of trust, your sexual relationships can flourish. Remember, this type of relationship advice is extreme, so go at your own risk!
Get Away
There is nothing like a week away to feel recharged and refreshed, especially with the one you love. If you feel a lack of connection, and if time and money allow, get out of town. Rent a cabin in the woods, beach cottage, or even a luxury hotel in Las Vegas. Get away from your busy, monotonous lives for a bit.
If you feel like you might need a break by yourself, by all means, take a solo trip. Sometimes being alone with our thoughts can be helpful, and we’ve all heard the term “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Miss each other a bit to reignite that flame.
Give It Time
Sex 100% gets better with time. A brand-new relationship can sometimes be awkward when you get between the sheets. First-time jitters, cumming too quickly, low libido, not understanding each other’s flow or rhythm; a lot can go wrong with new relationships. Think about past hook-ups; they either work, or they don’t. That first night of physical Intimacy can set the tone for the length of the relationship, but there’s always room to grow. If you’re in it for the long haul and are set on being in a long term relationship with your person, give it time.
Intimacy Without the Sex for a Night
Sexual chemistry just not there lately? Why not shelve the idea and spend an entire night being physical but not having sex. There are so many ways to get intimate.
Try slowly undressing her, taking your time to learn the curves of her body. Make deep eye contact, and share a night of massage, where all you do is caress each other. Make out like teenagers and stop before you have intercourse. Be playful, ask each other 21 questions, and take the night to learn more about your partner. Set the mood with candles and incense, and hold hands while you talk about your dreams and fantasies.
Physical Intimacy isn’t always about sex. How comfortable do you feel about your own body, and how comfortable do you feel opening up to them? Do they truly know you? How high are your sexual expectations? Try to put sex on the back burner and get to know each other.
Vulnerability
Try sharing a secret. Something you’ve never told anyone. The people in this world I had the most sexual compatibility were those who were the most open and honest. Vulnerability can be really sexy to a woman. Open up and see if your sex life improves.
Couples Therapy
After all else has failed, there is always the option of talking to a marriage counselor—someone who can listen to both sides and offer advice. A mental health professional can give you new tools to use when faced with any period of low sex drive. If you are thinking about getting hitched, a marriage counselor critical. If you have children already, a family therapist is essential, as they will help you find ways to connect while also being great parents.
Sometimes, low sexual libido or sex drive is the issue. It would help if you examined your physical and mental health to get to the core issue, as the problem can stem from a poor diet, lack of sleep, mental or emotional trauma, or underlying medical issues.
If you feel the issue might be medically related, speak with your physician and see what is recommended or consider natural remedies and supplements that can assist with low libido.
If the issue comes from past trauma, communicate with your partner so that she knows she is not the source of the lack of sexual interest. Your partner might blame herself and think you lost interest in her or the relationship. Next, consider speaking with a professional to work past the emotional or mental blockage.
Talking to a relationship expert and hearing about other healthy relationships can open your eyes to what you may be missing. Sex therapy is a specific type of therapy focusing on what is going on in the bedroom and ways to improve libido.
Can Relationships Last If You Don't Have Sexual Compatibility?
After trying everything you have, there remains the question of whether or not the relationship will last without sexual compatibility. It all depends on your goals and what you want from your partner. What would marriage look like with this person? Would you still find happiness? Is there a way to still be compatible without having great sex?
There are always more ways to put in the effort, to try new things. Learn each other’s blueprint and love language, and make it a number one priority. Truly finding out precisely what your partner needs. It might take a lot of extra work if your blueprints are off or your languages differ. As long as you both come from a place where you want to work on it and are both growth-minded and open to it taking time, it is possible.
Is It Normal Not to Feel Connected to Your Partner?
It is 100% normal to feel not connected to your partner in different seasons of your life. Maybe there was a death in the family, or perhaps it’s been a long three months at work putting in overtime for a huge project, and you realize it’s been a minute since you’ve connected. It’s hard to put energy into sex if it’s focused elsewhere.
If you consciously break up that energy and save some for your partner, things will be OK. Make time, and make an effort to improve your sex life. Constant attention, tweaking, and communication can help your connection grow.
What Does It Feel like to Be Sexually Compatible With Your Partner?
Being sexually compatible with your partner is like having a best friend who you have sex with. Nothing will be off-limits, and you can consistently continue opening up and talking, getting deeper and more comfortable in your relationship.
When you know, you know. Right? We all have those relationships that seem effortless, and we have all been with a partner who checks off every box, especially in the bedroom. You’re a happier person and partner when your needs are met. Making the necessary sacrifices, continually working and growing together, and being honest and open. You will know when you’ve found a sexually compatible partner because you will feel as if you are both lovers and best friends.
