Sex is about chemistry, but after being in a long term relationship, it is normal to lose some of the spark or passionate interest you had in your wife or girlfriend. Many couples run low on fuel after marriage or an extended time together, but that does not mean you no longer love or care about her; instead, the fire is running out of fuel.
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Think of your relationship as fire. When you give it air and fuel, it burns red hot. If you don’t, it gets dimmer and eventually extinguishes. A temporarily lost spark doesn’t mean all hope is lost and prepare to abandon ship. If you want to get the spark back in your relationship, you have to put in some effort to rekindle the fire.
What is the Spark?
The spark is sexual energy and passion in the bedroom, the sudden urge to rip each other’s clothes off, and the ongoing surge of sexual desires you experience when surrounded by your partner.
Most couples will experience the spark earlier in the relationship, known as the honeymoon phase. Eventually, as you get to know the person, the spark slowly fades away unless you put in the effort to keep the fire burning.
Why is the Spark Important?
Without it, you might have less desire to be with your partner.
The spark is not only physical! The mental and emotional connection you have with your girlfriend draws you in and keeps you coming back for more. As that decreases, your resolve to remain in a committed partnership will also diminish.
Why Do Most Couples Lose the Spark?
When you start a relationship, you enter the honeymoon phase. Everything seems perfect. You can’t stop thinking about your partner’s body, how she plays with her hair, smiles, or even how she dresses. Not the mention the endless nights of passionate fucking!
The honeymoon phase turns sour quite quickly. You discover all her flaws. All the things you used to enjoy become monotonous. That sexy little ass you craved doesn’t make you hard like it used to. In other words, the sexual fire is gone! Before you know what’s happening, you are on your way towards an unfulfilling relationship.
Your feelings might not change for your partner. You might still love and maybe even visualize her being the mother of your future children, but you feel something is off.
It can happen to anyone, but once the spark disappears, many couples make the mistake of giving up. Think of it this way, have you ever purchased a car and just left it to run on its own? Hell no! You take it in for oil changes, new tires, and a good wash every few weeks. In other words, you put in the effort to maintain it. If a vehicle requires that much focus and attention, why would you think a relationship doesn’t?
You have to fight for your relationship. Of course, not every relationship is worth saving. People naturally part ways after time, but if this woman is someone you want to keep around, you have to fight for her.
How Do You Know You've Given Up on A Relationship?
You start to spend more time alone, on your phone, looking at other women, fantasizing about your past life as a single guy when you had a different woman every week. You want to toss in the towel, or maybe you hit a wall and don’t know where to turn.
Top Reasons For a Lost Spark
A relationship can only succeed if both parties put in 100%. Forget 50/50. It’s 100/100! She fights damn hard to keep you interested, and you, in turn, fight even more to keep her as your devoted wife or girlfriend.
Likewise, both people are at fault when a relationship fails, or the spark is lost. If you think you’re to blame, stop! If you believe your wife is solely at fault, also stop, then find some humility.
We often see the spark fading in sexual relationships that have been going on for a long time such as married couples or long-term partners.
This tends to be because proximity leads to boredom or, in some cases, irritation and annoyance. But there can also be several factors bubbling below the surface that are causing your spark to fade in the bedroom, such as the following.
- You tossed in the towel already. You have mentally checked out of the relationship - GONE! You might be there in body, but your mind is a lightyear away. You no longer consider your partner's sexual needs or desires. You come home, kiss her on the cheek, sit down and watch Netflix or the game, play on your phone, kiss her again, and go to sleep.
- You have tunnel vision. Better sex is at the forefront of your mind right now. It's probably why you're reading this article but do not get tunnel vision. You say, "I want to have mindblowing sex again. How can I do that," while ignoring all of the factors that contributed to you having great sex at the beginning of your relationship. She might have initiated sex more because you spent more time on her, told her she was beautiful and bent over backward to get her attention. You're not going to get great sex if you can not recreate the environment that contributed to the great sex at the beginning of your relationship.
- You do not believe in romance anymore. You or she has stopped planning dates or thinking of romantic shit to do. When the connection was new, she showed you Pinterest boards of camping trips and romantic getaway spots and wore her sexiest lingerie to bed, knowing it would not stay on for long. Now, she no longer does any of that. You, too, have stopped trying to be romantic. Before, you brought her flowers, cards, and chocolates; now, she's lucky if she gets a single rose on her birthday.
- You treat sex like a chore. Instead of spending hours talking to each other and then fucking each other's brains out one, two, or even three or more times per night, you now kiss her a little, pull your pants down, stick it in, boom and bang - finished. You might not even talk afterward. Sex is no longer exciting, and it's something to check off the list next to buying more bread and paying the electric bill.
- You have a sexless marriage. Here, you don't treat sex like a chore because you don't have sex at all! If you aren't at this stage in your relationship but purely reading this section out of curiosity, you might wonder, "how can you be with someone without sex?" My father used to say, "when hunger comes in the front door, love flies out the window." Essentially, sex might not be a priority in life because of financial struggles, mental or physical health problems, a death in the family, or any of the other 99 curveballs life likes to throw at us.
- You have bedroom difficulties. You might experience erectile dysfunction, a lowered sex drive, or premature ejaculation, which significantly hinders your sex life. At SQL, we help men who have the same bedroom predicaments daily. Around 60 percent of the men we work with struggle with ED, premature ejaculation (PE), or both. We discuss the issue in-depth in The Best She Ever Had. Many guys are embarrassed or don't know what to do, but you don't have to struggle alone. Inherently, an ED or PE can contribute to the lost spark.
- You don't take time away from the kids. Children are amazing, but they are terrible for our sex lives. This statement especially holds for an attention-hogging infant or toddler. Your partner might have just given birth and struggling to accept that her body does not look the way it did before, and she might have postpartum depression. Perhaps your children are older, and you prioritize their wants and needs. You volunteered to be a softball coach and now spend your weekends away at softball competitions. You're a great father, and your son/daughter is lucky to have you, but do not neglect your wife or girlfriend in the process.
- You have too many responsibilities. Life can quickly get in the way of good sex and a happy relationship. Your schedule is jam packed. You might be a father who works twelve-hour shifts. You might even be a college student taking 18 credit hours each semester. There are only 24 hours a day, and you must somehow divide and manage your time while getting at least 6-8 hours of sleep each night. It's a lot of pressure! You're doing your best, but that might not be communicated to your partner.
- You spend too much time together. It is possible to overkill a relationship. There's a saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and that shit exists for a reason. Allow your girlfriend time to miss you. Stop being there 24 hours a day. Get a hobby or new friends, but whatever you do, do not overkill the romance. Think about it- you give her flowers and chocolates every day. After about a week, this gesture will not be romantic or even cute! It will be just a normal part of life. Some men make the mistake of giving too much, too soon. When you give it everything you have at the beginning of the relationship, it can make the relationship develop faster. Still, eventually, the momentum will plateau, and you might find the relationship feels stagnant.
- You do not communicate. You will lose the spark in your relationship if you have unmet needs because you can not effectively communicate what you need and how you need it. Likewise, if her needs are not met, she will lose interest. The number one reason for a failed relationship is a lack of communication. You might think, "I tell my partner what I want, and this doesn't apply to me." - are you sure about that? Women communicate in very different ways than men. You might think the look you give her each morning and the fact that you kiss her before leaving for work says, "I love you," but to her, you might appear cold, distant, and even disinterested!
- You assume you know your partner's needs. With time, you can get damn good at speculating what your partner desires, but you can never know for sure unless you ask her. If her needs are not met, she will appear distant. You might try even more to make things work, but your efforts seem to lead to nothing. Why? You're putting effort into the wrong something. She might not realize how hard you are trying to win her over. She might not also see how much you care about her. Over time, a disconnect between partners will result in a failed relationship or an extinguished fire that neither partner can or is prepared to acknowledge.
- You forget that your partner is a human being. You might have lost interest because your wife or girlfriend has gained weight recently. She's no longer the ten you fell in love with and is now a soccer mom with an extra 50 lbs of weight to show for it. You fail to remember that your partner is a human being who struggles with internal issues and external pressures. The same might apply to you; she might take your lack of sexual interest to mean you are no longer attracted to her. She begins to blame herself and thus, becomes more distant. The reality might be you're stressed with work, a new project, or any external issues, but because she has forgotten you are a human being, she thinks she is the result of your lost passion.
- You let the shit hit the fan. You will disagree with your girlfriend, no doubt about that. Most of the time, you can not be in harmony every day of the year. It slowly builds and intensifies if you have an issue and do not address it. At that point, it's only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan. You might have lost the spark with her because you've allowed disagreements or miscommunication to fester instead of having a conversation about it. Maybe she has more male friends than you are comfortable with, but instead of talking to her about it, you bury it, allow it to grow deep, and before you know it, love has turned to disdain, annoyance, or disinterest.
- You do not ask for help or wait until it's too late. A sex expert, like us at SQL, is here to assist sex lives, but often couples wait until it's too late to seek assistance. It's never too late to reignite the spark, but as time passes, so does interest. You become less determined to keep the spark alive and are content to accept life without trying. Humans are creatures of habit, so if you have fallen into a comfort zone where you accept a sexless marriage or are sexually dissatisfied, it will take 10x the effort to escape your situation. Address the problem early, and avoid additional obstacles later.
How to Get the Spark Back?
First, ensure your partner wants the spark back. Some relationships fade over time and aren’t built for the long haul. You’re wasting your time fighting for her if she does not want to fight for you.
1. Evaluate the Problem
The first step in sorting out any issue is addressing the problem. I’m guessing that you are reading this article because you feel something is missing in your sex life and you’re looking forward to getting the spark back in the bedroom. Look inside and examine the situation. Are you overworked and lack time for your significant other? Do you think sex isn’t as fun or pleasure-inducing as it used to be?
Communicate with her. Many couples struggle with intimacy because one or both do not know how to communicate about sexuality.
Be honest and address the situation head-on. Things are not going to improve if you two continue to pretend there is not a problem. Chances are, she feels something is also amiss, so the conversation will not come out of the left field.
Make the environment warm and welcoming before having the conversation. Set the scene by putting on romantic music and lighting candles. You want the atmosphere friendly because she might react defensively when you say, “something is different between us.” If the environment is welcoming, it sets the tone that this is not a witch trial. It’s an effort to rebuild or strengthen the relationship, and you must make her feel that way.
2. Talk About Sex
How do you want to heat things up in the bedroom? Do you want more sex, prolonged intercourse, excitement, or a better connection? What exactly do you feel is missing? What fantasies do you have? What can she do to give you pleasure, and what do you think you should do to give her pleasure.
Get the creative juices flowing and make an extensive list of your desires. Compare notes with her. Be graphic and detailed.
Once you compare what you think gives her pleasure and what she thinks gives her pleasure, you might find a disconnect. Maybe you believe that women only want soft and gentle sex while she’s been craving something rougher, for example.
By better understanding what you and your partner enjoy in the bedroom, you can have a more precise knowledge of how to get that spark back. Going in blind is like trying to grow a fire using wet wood.
3. Prioritize sex
If you lead a busy life and find yourself bookmarking sex for later so you can focus on getting through your mammoth to-do list first; then you might be ruining your spark chances by postponing sex. It’s an easy mistake; life is busy, and sex is often seen as a recreational activity.
Wrong – You need to prioritize sex and intimacy in your relationship. There are many benefits to doing so. You wouldn’t say you were too busy to take your vitamins or go for your morning run, so why do the same with sex? It’s good for you, and the doctor’s orders are to partake in it as much as possible. If the moment comes up, and both parties are in the mood to groove, then drop what you’re doing and move the party to the bedroom. Spontaneous sex is a fantastic way to get the spark back in the bedroom, and there’s no better time than the present.
4. Increase Intimacy Outside of the Bedroom
Working on your physical and emotional intimacy outside the bedroom is a great way to get the spark to grow inside the bedroom.
- Hold your partner's hand
- Kiss her deeply and passionately
- Give a cheeky ass squeeze or a spank when she walks pass
- Go on regular dates again. Pretend like you have not been married for years or dating for months and go out again like it's the first time
- Role play at a bar or restaurant. Approach her as if you don't know her, introduce yourself, and pretend like you're strangers. Ask her if she wants to leave with you, take her to a hotel so that it's a new environment and things feel different
- Take regular trips with your partner and fuck in new areas
These are exciting ways to help build a physical bond between you and your partner. Getting intimate in a new setting is always exciting and a proven method to spice things up a little. Taking regular trips away with your partner and exploring each other’s bodies in new environments can create a desire for each other’s company which you can bring back and maintain in your bedroom.
5. Know Your Desires
Take the time to learn about yourself, what turns you on, and how you can increase your own pleasure. How can you share your desires with a partner if you don’t know what you like? You can’t. Consider trying non-ejaculation methods to last longer in bed and prolong intercourse.
6. Learn a New Skill
Sex in the same positions will get monotonous, so learn a new position. There are 100s of sex positions, half of which you probably never even imagined.
Learn how to eat pussy. If you have never given your lady oral sex, start now. Many women do not orgasm by penetration alone, and hitting the G Spot is pleasurable, but most women need clitoral stimulation for intense or multiple orgasms.
Try anal. Anal sex is a skill. If you go in too fast, you risk hurting your partner. Once your partner relaxes and enjoys the experience, anal is incredible! Use a lot of lube and start slow. Allow one finger to tease the opening. Do not finger her ass. Continue to enter slowly and gently, and allow her to pull you in.
7. Shake Things Up
Boredom is a huge factor in couples losing the sexual spark. All too often, we get into the same routines.
Variety is the spice of life, so if you want a spicy sex life, add a little variety. Kick things off in the bedroom by trying new positions, introduce sex toys into the bedroom, or, as mentioned earlier, try having sex in recent locations.
You can also try role playing in the bedroom. Pretend to be a cop/bad girl, teacher/naughty student, vampire/ helpless lady, or whatever the fuck you want! The idea is to make sex different than previous times.
Be playful. Have a wrestling match in the living room with pillows and cushions, go skinny dipping, go hiking and then fuck in a waterfall.
Buy sex toys and be adventurous with your purchases. Invest in a sex swing, anal plugs, or fuck machine.
8. Add More Foreplay
Build anticipation and make her crave intimacy and sex with you again, especially if things have gone stagnant or dull in the bedroom. Make it a point not to go immediately to sex whenever you’re in the mood.
Intimacy is a lot more than pure penetration. If you typically head straight in, ready for business, take your time getting things started in the bedroom.
Penetration is the main event, but don’t forget the warm-up and cool-down.
The warm-up might consist of dirty talk, sexting, sex toys, oral sex, massages, steamy showers or baths, anal, or ass-play. Whatever you can do to build anticipation for the main event will significantly improve your sex life. Sex for a woman is not purely physical, it’s psychological, so allow her to get in the mood for sex by fantasizing about it on her own long before you even make it into the bedroom.
The cool-down will be the aftercare, such as cuddles, kisses, and spooning.
9. Introduce a Third-Party
This last idea might be a little too far for some people. How would you feel about introducing someone else into your sex life?
This one comes with a warning – unless you and your sexual partner have already discussed the possibility of a threesome, it generally takes a reasonably stable relationship for this idea to work, so perhaps not best to try this one out if your relationship is on the rocky-side.
But that being said, as long as you communicate and gain consent, there’s nothing to say that this won’t work for you, and it’s almost guaranteed to reignite a spark.
10. Take a Break
If you have experimented in the bedroom and find nothing ignites the fire, take a break from each other.
Go on a camping trip or hiking with the guys for a long weekend. Ask her to go on that trip to Las Vegas with her girlfriends that she’s always wanted. Do something to separate from each other for a few days or weeks.
Hopefully, by putting a little distance between each other, you can think logically about the relationship. You might even find that life without her is less than ideal and have even more resolve to get the sexual spark back now that you had a kick in the ass to get things back to the way there were.
Above all, continue to communicate with your partner. You will not get the spark back alone. This is a team effort and might require much trial and error, but as long as both of you remain committed to the task, you will find a solution.
